It's feeding time...

Pain came to the forefront of my mind when I asked myself what I was feeling in the moment while listening to the "Yoga Revealed" podcast, Ep 1, and at first I interpreted it as anger. Upon further examination, really looking inward and capturing the feeling so it couldn't escape me and I could analyze it carefully, I realized that it was grief. I have been grieved over the whole world. For so many reasons, the pain that has infiltrated every part of me until I can't even sleep without holding tension in my body and my heart races all of the time, I have been unable to even process the immense measures of grief that I have felt. The death of family members, the death of trust in the human species, and the slow downward spiral of my ability to just relax and let myself feel peace in the presence of God.

The pain and other negative emotions are things that I have learned to hold inside of a few seconds so that I can understand and process them before I then actively choose to release them. In this way, I can close the door on them, having finally had closure.

As far as my ideas concerning the ego, I am still learning more about the Yogic concept of Ego because I know that it is different from the Western understanding of what the ego is according to the Psychological principles taught by Sigmund Freud and his predecessors and others who share the same profession in this world that is so far apart from the teachings we learn in Eastern medicine, including those of Yoga. The idea of experiencing what is called "Ego Death" had me rejecting much of the practice initially, and if it is indeed something that does away with the spirit of competition against others, even a little bit, then I don't want to go that far because while my primary obstacle is my own self-destructiveness and limiting of self toward discovery, healing, and embracing my own power, I also like to remember the accomplishments of others and explore how I might slowly work toward 'transcending' above them someday; not in the sense of denying their own personal growth and achievements, but in the sense of building on their work and respectfully taking things to the next level.

As much as the last few lines might seem like a load of self-justifying B.S., I sincerely mean what I said--that I feel these urges to surpass 'the master' with only the utmost respect in mind. I can't disrespect my teachers and mentors who I am learning so much from and who without I would never have gotten to a place of tentative peace and transformative mindfulness. These people and what they give to me is precious and I carry it in my heart every day. That is why I fully hold these ideas of Compassionate Reconstruction with such tenderness inside of me, and take their philosophy further; a student learns and seeks to meet new and higher standards for the sake of the progress of others even if nothing of Ego is involved for them personally.

In fact, I have learned a lot about myself in the past few years and the way that my mind works, concerning fiction but everything else as well, is to build upon a thing after breaking it down and/or scrutinizing it carefully. I think that the way I will find my center of Power is by looking at that urge that is deeply ingrained in every part of me, especially after growing up Military, and accepting it with the embrace of a mother who deeply loves her child and accepts them with everything in her.

Having begun this Journey in Yoga, I am thinking and feeling everything so much more clearly and I'm finally aware of so many negative thoughts that were always competing with one another inside of my head and basically layering until my entire self was just a bundle of fraught tension and expectancy towards yet more pain. As I receive each thought now, I remember after a few minutes to grab hold and reflect briefly on the deeper and true meaning of them, give compassionate permission for its existence and why it came to be in the first place, and then gently release it by replacing it with its positive and joyful belief which is actually the correct one. As I do so, the discomfort of Cognitive Dissonance fades and I find a place that feels more like my center and less like a network of angry knots.

Physically, I feel very 'bright' toward the idea of the challenge in Yoga. I did a Google search on my phone and took a screenshot of something that carries a lot of meaning for me. I will type out the main part: When it comes to building muscle in Yoga, we are 'limited' to lifting our own body weight and it may take a lot more skill, time, and determination than it would with lifting weights. Now, I have great respect and actually much admiration for the art of Bodybuilding--talk about commitment! I even know someone personally who combines Bodybuilding with Yoga to carefully sculpt the exact figure that she desires for herself and indeed she is an artful result of her own imagining. This idea presented to me in response to someone else's idea that Yoga has limitations though is something that doesn't sit right with me--the longer someone practices, and the more they study different styles, the more muscular and toned they will become by the natural process of the art of Yoga. It might not appear as bulk, but the student of Yoga is still getting stronger all of the time. I feel a serene excitement as I picture the great competition against my own body weight; this image in my mind inspires me to start lifting myself up repeatedly even outside of Asanas.

Today I hold optimism and relief as I look forward to further immersion in the culture of Yoga as well as just practicing it on the mat, and I must add in closing that I slept so much better last night after practicing Yoga Nidra right before bed. ^_^

-L